Quiet Apartment

Journal

Quiet thoughts, said out loud.

  1. DepressionI've been fighting depression my whole life. I was okay most of the time. But now I'm starting to feel like I'm losing the fight.
  2. Trust issuesI always thought I was a good judge of people. When anyone warned me about her, I defended her. Since the divorce, I'm not sure I can even trust myself.
  3. Work secretMy wife and I have been separated for a few months. I haven't told anyone at work. I feel like if I don't say it out loud, it's not really over yet.
  4. Wonderful newsToday, something wonderful happened to me. I instantly reached for my phone to text my wife... Only to realize we are not together anymore. I just stood there, holding my phone.
  5. Wedding ringI was going through some old boxes. I found my wedding ring. My knees gave out. I ended up on the floor, and I couldn't breathe. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.
  6. People who don't careI admire people who don't care that they're in someone's way. Some guy leaves his cart in the middle of the aisle, blocks five people, and doesn't even notice. I could never do that.
  7. OverworkingI started working fifteen hours a day. I'm not a workaholic. It's not even fun. I just need to be busy, so I don't have time to think.
  8. OverthinkingIs it overthinking when everything you worry about actually happens? Or does it happen because you never stopped thinking about it? I still don't know which one it is.
  9. Our storyWhatever happens, I just hope our story isn't finished yet. Even if it's in another lifetime.
  10. Lovely couplesI used to cringe at people who complained about couples being affectionate in public. Now I think I understand them. Every couple I see reminds me of when she was still mine.
  11. Lost thingsAfter a breakup, I don't just lose the person. I lose whole genres of music. Certain movies. Video Games. One entire city.
  12. Lose feelingsI keep telling myself to stop loving her. Like it's something I can decide. I wanted to spend my whole life with her. And now I'm learning how to stop.
  13. The last I love youSometimes I wonder which "I love you" was the last one she meant. And which one was the first one she didn't.
  14. Find someone who deserves betterI'm afraid that one day I'll meet someone wonderful. Someone who deserves all of my love. And I won't be able to give it to her. Because I'm still carrying someone else.
  15. Favorite personI'm not sure I'm anyone's favorite person. Not the first call. Not the name that comes up when something good happens. Some people like me. I'm just not sure I'm someone's first choice.
  16. DepersonalizationMost of the time, I feel like I'm watching a movie and not really paying attention. Like I'm not making any choices. Things just happen. Apparently there's a word for it.
  17. DelusionalI must be the most delusional person. My wife left me several months ago, and I still think, deep down, that she wants me back. She just doesn't know how to reach me.
  18. Dating openerI read her profile twenty times. I wrote the perfect opener. She replied with one word.
  19. Dating experienceOne moment you're searching for a house to surprise your family. The next, you're asking strangers online what their favorite color is.
  20. Being offSomeone at work said, "You seem off today. Did something happen?" Yeah, man. I'm off every day. Today I'm just too tired to hide it.
  21. The TV is onBe honest. The TV is on when you get home. Nobody is watching it. It's so the flat sounds like someone lives there. And you turn the volume up one notch, so you don't feel alone.
  22. Fridge lightIt's two in the morning. Fridge open. You're not hungry. You stand there, lit up like a small shop window. You close the door, and you stay there in the dark a bit longer than you need to.
  23. Zero notificationsWake up. Reach for the phone. Zero notifications. Not even spam. Even the app that begs you to come back has given up. You check your email too, just in case. A newsletter from a shop you used once. Staring at the ceiling for a bit. The…
  24. Two small shoesIt's Monday. Two small shoes by the door, one of them on its side. They've been there since Sunday afternoon. You realize you'll be without her for five days. You already miss her.
  25. Just another ThursdayLast month was my birthday. Nobody called. Nobody texted me. I told myself it was just another Thursday. At midnight, I wished myself happy birthday. My voice sounded strange in the apartment.
  26. The same dreamEvery day, I go to bed at 11 and fall asleep at 3. Every morning, I wake up from the same dream. She's in it. And for a few seconds, I forget that she's gone.
  27. An old messageFound an old message on my phone. She wrote, I would never leave you for some guy online. I read it three times. Then I scrolled up, looking for the moment it stopped being true.
  28. Stuffed animalsI drive her back to her mum's. Then I come home. The apartment is so quiet. No one needs me. There are stuffed animals all over the floor and a drawing on the fridge. I walk around them all evening. As long as they're on the floor, she's…
  29. The letterI was cleaning when I found it, a letter her mother gave us the day our daughter was born. Your daughter is perfect. You should be happy you have each other. I read it twice, then I put it back under the photo of the three of us.
  30. Whole againI don't get how other people do it. How does someone leave after 5, 10, 15 years and just carry on? Is the other person just not part of them anymore? Because when they go, it feels like a part of your own soul goes with them, and you…